WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

My old posts from 2009 are gone and i don't recall deleting them ?!

Everything's changing, and no one uses blogger anymore i guess. Templates totally looking strange.

Anyway, many things internally and externally have occured since 2020 and i don't think i can possibly write everything down and make it public although i don't think anyone's reading this anyway or know who i am (and for what purpose?). I doubted my sanity at some point. Some "previous life" memory resurfaced again. it happened first in 2010-2011.

Basically i came back from aus, with some "strange" catharsis going on. I have no idea why i was tearing all the way on the plane non-stop, when i have no idea what i'm sad about. And I have no idea why for the first time in my life, i lost my voice for a week and it wasn't accompanied by fever as expected of a viral infection. I basically had to ask my partner for a separation, and just felt totally confused and out of whack. mostly, it is because of the pre-life/previous life memory that came up. sort of recall the agreements that i made. And it totally threw me off the curve. 

I heard someone say the word "femininity" and that was a word used in the pre-life/previous life recollection intertwined with current life's agreement. i understand now why there's a good reason we don't recall past lives, because they can really mess you up inside, confuse you. i will never tell this to the person whom i suspect is involved in my recollection. looking like a complete nut. and i already feel like one

For 2018

A sudden desire to reread The Alchemist again. It’s almost 10 years since first reading it. 2010 I believe, the years are getting blurry and how time flies year by year month by month week by week. Perhaps I really miss the feeling of potent wonder, magic of the universe and childlike hope that the fable transported me to. Used to be so boxed up in reality and practicality that I could never imagine how a fictional story could be of any good application other than to bring you to a fascinating dream world to escape from the drudgery of life.

Never did I expect how it would touch my heart and soul, this Shepard boy story. Nevertheless, myself don’t identify with Santiago, for all that he is, there is a tinge of dreariness to Santiago inner being or so I thought previously, which I don’t identify with in myself. Because I’m innately too optimistic perhaps. Or maybe I’m just not the overtly contemplative sentimental that Santiago is.
The most I like about Santiago is the expression of his vulnerability, the openness to vulnerability at the hands of destiny, the stars and the universe.

2018 is calling me to be vulnerable again, I have been feeling it for some time, and I feel ready. The knowing that the key at this time could possibly be to be open to being vulnerable to the dices of destiny, come what may. With the belief that it would always turn out to be right in the end, as Long as you surrender. Now I have so much strength than before, no longer the doubting, the fumbling, lost in the waves. Now I know I stand strong when the waves come but I know there is a good vulnerability around the corner.

2018 is the year of master number 11 and it will be a time of high sensitivity for everyone.

Recall all the past times when I followed my heart and know when it is right.

When the time is right, not before, not after. You will feel it in your bones.

I need to harness and connect to that vulnerability again. That destiny has a plan, maybe a guideline, and I’m finally feeling it, preparing for it, waiting for it.

How was I not intuned at all until perhaps 2011. I see the footprints of intuition now. How I wanted to learn violin bought a violin and later found out that was probably an indication that I would met someone who plays the violin orchestra. How I had a first vivid dream of an apartment that I would hunt down which later transpired exactly like my dream. How I make wrong decisions whenever I am anxious and later dream of leaving a job and ending up to be the right decision to be made. Perhaps the veil is getting thinner and thinner. I really hope I would grow at the same rate or even more in the next 10 years, what will it bring, how will I change, how would I feel looking back at now 2017 2018. Would I be able to see the hands of destiny clearly at play once more. As they say, a soul contract. Would I have better understanding and acceptance and rise up to fulfil my soul contract, I ponder.

Would I have resolved the conflicts of my beliefs? Seeing the balance in the play of free will and destiny or perhaps seeing that both are not the case or perhaps it is a case of alittle but of both. The secrets of the workings, would I have a conclusive illumination or would I just have to contend to have a chance to play to discover abit of both.

2018

Test

We are asking too much out of our Lives

As I grew older last year and this year, and people around me getting bored with their careers or lack thereof, having a child or more, planning for the new big adventure(s), suddenly I asked myself:

Aren't we all asking too much out of our short lives?!

Meditations on Intention and Being

I think this book is what got me to restart blogging.
It's not another New Age book, it's a book on Yoga and Life. Or is Yoga a New Age by some definition?

Strange that despite having read many Buddhist books and New Age books, none has ever had the effect that this book had on me. No, I shouldn't be putting Buddhist books on the same line as New Age books with the same comparison. That's doing injustice as books on Buddhism are filled with solid hard truths of wisdom and empirical insights which went to my head but nevertheless, despite my attempt to push it to into my heart it doesn't connect to the heart nor stayed there longer than a few days if it did. Meanwhile, New Age books are airy-fairy whiffs of nice sounding positive and affirming statements, which might have filled me with ponderances of some confidence in these statements. But I was sorely disappointed after reading the likes of Eckhart Tolle.

This book really hit me, perhaps by the way some punchlines are written.

The biggest effect I noticed was that I walk much slower now without the incessant impatience in the heart.

The other effect would be that I have come to a new level of personal realization on the large impact that feelings - sensory feelings from our skin covering the entire body and the inner feelings of emotions - have on us, our reactions, perceptions and our well-being.

Perhaps the stars were aligned and no matter what book I had read I would have come to such a transmutation.

Right Action, Right Speech, Right Thought and then there's this Right Consumption which this book introduced as a one-liner.

Right Consumption of Food and of Activities
for This Body that is a Temple and this Mind that is the Altar of the Temple.

 The same thing in a new light.